Lesson #7 From Rock Bottom
Believe in and fight for what you want. Fuck what anyone else says.
Surrender of that which is out of your control, which was never yours, which is ephemeral, passing with the seasons and whims of the world, fortune, other people, and discovery of and immense gratitude for that which is truly yours—these are two things rock bottom will teach you very quickly. Surrender and acceptance, letting go of control, of wanting to hold on to people, things, places, of wanting things to be otherwise, letting things die, watching your whole world, your dreams, the future you thought you were going to have, the past you now realize and see clearly in all its pain and horror is a harrowing and excruciatingly painful experience. But rebirth is not possible without death. Surrender means not resisting no matter how much you want to. And though there is nothing more infuriating and stupid to say to someone in pain than ‘let it go’ or ‘move on’ (as an aside please don’t ever say that to someone in pain. It is ignorant, stupid, unhelpful, performative since it doesn’t help the person but makes you feel like you’re helping and therefore can pat yourself on the back and tell yourself what a nice person you are without actually seeing what that person needs in the moment.) Letting go, surrender, moving on is a process. Resistance, bouts of pain and anger and despair and depression will ebb and flow. Yes, eventually they will get few and far between but you need to give them time and listen to and experience the pain as many times as your particular body, heart, mind, nervous system needs to. It is not fun. But it is definitely better than the alternatives of suppressing your pain, your emotions and having that turn into depression and disconnection from yourself or addictions that numb, distract, deny, invalidate, minimize. That doesn’t work and it makes things worse for you and the people around you. What does work is time, rest, a lot of rest, a safe, peaceful, good environment, love and compassion if you can get it (especially your own), nature, music, creativity, letting yourself cry, scream, rage and purge those emotions all those human emotions suppressed for yours trapped in your nervous system. That purge will be followed by such glorious peace. But you must keep your system clean. The way you do that is by setting standards and boundaries and speaking up for yourself, for what is right, letting assholes suffer the consequences and deserved punishments of their actions, not letting your system get polluted by suppressing negative emotions again. Suppressing emotions is something we are conditioned into to the detriment of the individual, other people, and society in general. Listen to and honor your emotions. Break the conditioned response of ignoring or suppressing your emotions. And watch what you make things mean. A lot of negative emotion and pain comes from catastrophizing and taking things personally, i.e. blowing something out of proportion, giving it meaning it doesn’t deserve whether that be about your life and the place this event or person or trauma occupies in it or what something means or what you think it means about your worth. Peace is not having negative emotions to suppress. And having done this, having this awareness, the separation between you and your circumstances will actually help your system stay calmer and respond with less negative emotions even if conditions aren’t ideal and the world is not cooperating and Fortune proving elusive and seemingly apathetic.
Gratitude for simple things will seem like empty words when you are in the grips of pain, words that will fall on deaf ears during the purge. You won’t be able to feel that truth until you are ready. Let anger and sadness and loneliness and despair have their turn and their say. They are facets of the truth as well and a part of the spectrum of human emotion. That is your body purging and healing. Good things won’t be able to take root and flourish and grow and sprout until the accumulated poison and pain and toxic voices and lies and cuts and gashes over the course of years are purged, emptied out, pushed out and your voice, the one voice that truly matters that was being drowned out, ignored, suppressed, trampled over, bulldozed starts speaking again and you start listening again. Listen closely, listen well, and most importantly never listen to the voices of people whose life you don’t want. Stupid people invalidates, denied, minimized, strangled their own feelings and needs and standards a long time ago. They will not understand or validate you. That doesn’t mean you are wrong. You are not wrong. You are right. You are right for you first and foremost. Listen to yourself. Listen to your emotions and validate and respect them and be on their side. They are your true and constant and real friends. Not the world, not toxic people who were invalidating your emotions and needs and boundaries because they were a nuisance and inconvenience to them. Even if you can’t change your circumstances right away, acknowledge them and tell them you see and hear them and make a plan, take some form of action in the right direction to fight for a better life, fight to feel better. Better is possible and you deserve it. Happiness is possible. Peace is possible. Life is not supposed to be endless suffering. Do not believe or give in to that lie. Relationships are not supposed to be endless suffering, neglect, disrespect, resentment, or an arrangement of mutually assured disappointment. That is not true. Just because something is normalized or common does not mean it is true. Do not let it be true. Refuse to let that be your truth. Reality is not Truth and it is not your truth. The whole world can be wrong. The world used to and still does tell people that they are not good enough because of their race or gender or sexual orientation or because of a disability. Think of all the amazing brave inspiring souls who told that world to fuck off and achieved amazing things. Keep a list of them close to you, their names, their stories. You will get the life you believe is possible for you. You will get the life you fight for. You will get the life you allow. You will get the life you settle for. Let other people live their life their way based on their beliefs. If their idea of life is settling for a job they don’t like, let them live that. If their idea of life is settling for disrespect, neglect, disappointment, resentment in a loveless marriage, leave them be. Do not go to them with your ideals, your dreams, your truth expecting them to understand it. Spoiler alert: they won’t. And if you had such people as your parents, firstly, I am sorry. Second, then you need to fight extra hard to make sure that doesn’t end up being your story. Do not settle for an ugly, miserable, disappointing, fearful, cowardly life of quiet desperation. Do not desecrate love, honor, respect, kindness, joy, compassion, the sacred union that the marriage of true minds and devoted hearts can be. Do not let cowardice and weakness and cynicism and lack of imagination and zest and deep feeling for life masquerading as realism or pragmatism sabotage and poison and infect and weaken and dilute your resolve, your belief, your determination, your wholeness, your belief in nobility and courage and a desire to aspire to a life worth living, a life that makes you feel alive. Do not let the difficult and uphill and tumultuous battle for such a life, the disappointments turn you away from or compromise on your ideals, my fellow idealists! Do not settle for being tamed and fattened house cat when you can roar like a lioness out on the hunt. Let the cowardly, embittered cynics laugh. They will be crying in the end.
