How To Judge People

There are people who say you shouldn’t judge people. Those people are idiots. Judgment, discernment, caution, selection and rejection is necessary and essential to protect yourself, your boundaries, your resources, your time, your energy and establish your priorities and individuality. There are two important caveats with judgments. The first is the nature, parameters, criteria of the judgment and the second is its applicability or scope and the extent of its validity.

Let’s take the most obvious, concrete example: judging someone based on their appearance. Despite what the world and capitalism might try to tell us and the ability of beauty to impair judgment and the perniciousness of the halo effect, we all know appearance is no indication nor guarantee of worth, intelligence, competence, value, character, morals, compatibility. And other people’s appearance is their business and their business alone. With that said, we are not all going to be attracted to everyone nor compatible with everyone we are attracted to. There are personal judgments, subjective judgments. Someone not being attracted to person X is about that particular someone and their judgment is valid and applicable to and for them. That does not define, add to, take away from X’s worth. Regardless of the objective attractiveness of X, X deserves to be treated with civility and politeness. But that someone needs to make the correct decision for them based on that judgment.

Objective and subjective value judgments are a fascinating topic for another fascinating day.

There are certain markers, traits, characteristics or their lack that reveal who a person truly is and that are good heuristics upon which to judge others and also to judge ourselves in order to know where we need to do our work, what is reliable, trustworthy, healthy, what isn’t, what is right and wrong objectively and subjectively.

1) Self-awareness and Other-awareness

Someone’s level of self-awareness is an indicator of their ability to know themselves, who they are, what their strengths and weaknesses are, what they want, what their standards, goals, expectations, and needs are, what their traumas, trigger points, and internal land mines are, their ability to know, understand, regulate, soothe, express, and communicate their emotions. Self-awareness is an indicator of maturity and of courage to face one’s self and one’s flaws, imperfections and work on them. It is the ability to take ownership for who one is and be true to it, proud of it. Someone without self-awareness can’t regulate their emotions properly and they can’t make decisions properly. And it is only by being aware of one’s self that we can know and be aware of and engage with the other, the right types of others. It is self-awareness that helps and enables us to know how our words and actions are affecting others. It is self-awareness that enables us to know what is us and about us and what isn’t. It is self-awareness that tells us that something or someone is not right for us. Self-awareness is not easy especially if external circumstances are difficult and outside of our control and our emotions keep prodding us to do something but we don’t know what or where to start. But self-awareness makes you aware of that and to respect and tune into that emotional compass even if you can’t change things right away will improve your subjective experience.

2) Reaction to not getting what you want, failure, disappointment, rejection

When children and young adults and some children in adult bodies don’t get what they want, they throw a tantrum, give up, fall into despair, turn against themselves, turn against the world. All of this is normal and human. All of this is also the result of the lack of a strong stable sense of self and perspective and patience. But this is also something that makes us suffer more and something we need to grow out of or at the very least anticipate, allow for and put a time limit on. Failure sucks. Disappointment sucks. Feeling like nothing is going your way sucks. Feeling powerless sucks. Trying your best at that particular time and not getting what you want sucks. Trying to love someone and not being loved back sucks. The emotions of anger, fear, sadness, despair that they evoke can be difficult guests to host, difficult friends to sit down with and listen to and embrace. It sucks and it hurts. How do you respond? How someone responds to these things will show you their maturity, grit, resilience, patience, courage, ability to have faith and hope and inner strength to persevere even when the world isn’t cooperating, self-respect and respect for the otherness and separateness of other people, ability to understand boundaries, ability to lift themselves and others up during tough times. Being able to face these things without letting them turn you against yourself and your dreams and ideals and morals or give up on yourself and also without letting them turn you against the world, other people, against life itself will show you the true mettle of a person.

3) Reaction to criticism

Criticism is not inherently a bad thing. Firstly, beware of people who present their preferences, expectations, biases and opinions as fact and criticize or denigrate you because you failed to meet their idea of how a person, how you should be. Those types of criticisms you can throw out. You can usually recognize these people as the ones who need to find fault with and tear everything and everyone down in order to call themselves tall, in order to give themselves an air of superiority and exclusivity. These types of people need to be contrarian and contradictory and going against something, tearing someone else down in order to prop themselves up. Their criticism might be valid for them. The problem with these types of people is they can never just say ‘Oh that’s not for me’ or 'I don’t agree with that or like that’ and be on their way. They see it as something wrong and flawed with the other person or the thing they don’t like. It would be worthwhile next time you have a judgment to ask and consider if this is something about the person or about you and a preference and expectation you have. If it’s the latter, then make the best decision for you while understanding the other person is only wrong by your standard which is relevant and applicable for you alone. Second, intent and delivery are everything when it comes to criticism and constructive feedback. It is important to be able to take critiques and use them to improve but it is also important how that feedback and critique is given. Those who wish to have their needs and critiques heard and considered need to learn to express them in a calm, respectful, cooperative tone without putting someone on the defensive. Now there are some people who will be defensive and recalcitrant no matter how well the critique is expressed but the person giving the critique can rest knowing they did their part correctly. Intent and delivery are usually intertwined. The intent to help and the intent to hurt make themselves known in and through the delivery. Lastly, criticisms are relative and dependent on perspective, context, time, and have a limited scope of relevance. Understanding that makes it much easier to receive. Your boss’ dissatisfaction with your work is not a referendum on your self-worth. It is dependent on your current performance and really only relevant to the extent that you wish to remain in the job. It seems like from the time we learn to walk the world is telling us we are not enough at something, that we need to do this or be that better, faster, smarter, hotter. Learning to filter out bullshit criticisms and keep them in perspective shows you the maturity and internal organization and fortitude of a person.

4) Taste/Aesthetic/Style

What people like is a reflection of them. Aesthetics are a great way to gage if you’re compatible with someone, if you’re attracted to, moved by, adore the same things, if you’re kindred spirits. There are classifications of aesthetics sometimes such as saying something is low or high art. There is art that reaches higher and deeper than art that is merely entertainment or distraction. So in that sense, there is such a thing as low or high in the sense of the intent and effect and enduring force that it has. But other times it can also be a form of snobbishness intended to keep certain types of people or art out of a certain social class. However, if someone is using their taste as an ornament for their ego to feel superior to others, then chances are they don’t really like or appreciate that piece of art or that aesthetic. They just think they should or were told they should in order to appear a certain way. There is a difference between the person who truly enjoys classical music, for example, and the person who pretends to in order to appear distinguished. Usually, when someone truly likes and enjoys something, they are eager to share it and express their passion and enthusiasm with others who share their interest or they might go in the opposite direction and want to protect their precious interest and enjoyment from other people who might ruin it. Aside from that, someone’s taste is a good indication of who they are and whether they are similar to us. We have all experienced the joy of when you get along with a person and discover that you like similar artists and have similar interests. It becomes a confirmation of compatibility, of friendship, of fellow feeling.

5) Hypocrisy and double standards

Treat others how you wish to be treated is not a difficult precept to understand and yet many people get it wrong. Stay away from hypocrites who permit in themselves what they censure in others. People will vilify you if you do something such as put yourself first and say no to them but want to reserve the right to do as they please. Hypocrisy is a very good litmus test for dishonesty, bad faith, parasitic entitlement, narcissism. We have to watch out for this in ourselves as well. It is easier to say no than to hear no. But if you reserve the right to say no and to put yourself, your standards and boundaries first, then it’s only fair that others have the right to do the same as long as it is not under false pretenses. Not only is this fair, it will reduce a great deal of frustration and disappointment. Other people’s decisions are about them and what they need and prefer. It frees you. In addition, watch carefully how they treat your mistakes and flaws versus how they treat their own. If they are punitive and critical and exaggerating of the former, but minimize and permissive of the latter, then, Reader, beware. Watch carefully how they treat yours and other people’s successes vs their own. Do they tear other people’s successes down, dismiss, diminish and minimize them and try to call it luck while their successes are a testament to their omnipotence and greatness? They are not beholden to you but you are not beholden to them either. Now we can play and decide on an equal footing. And if someone doesn’t want things to be fair and on an equal footing, well then that tells you something very important about them, doesn’t it?

Judgment and compassion are not mutually exclusive. It should foster authenticity to one’s self and in our relationships with others. You are not doing yourself or anyone else any favors by pretending to be okay with something you are not, with something that is not good enough for you. If you continue down that path, you will become angry and resentful and manipulative and the other person will feel equally frustrated and angry and inadequate. Judge what is best for yourself and honor those judgments keeping in mind that they are based on certain criteria you have deemed important to you and that they are absolutely valid for you subjectively and most likely objectively as well. Usually, objective judgments such as not wanting to be with someone who is dishonest or unfaithful is pretty universal. Subjective judgments are more about taste, values, worldview, and the (dis-)proportionality of compatibility. Stated differently, subjective judgments will be about “enoughness”. The person on the other end is the same way. And it is worthwhile and compassionate for ourselves and others to remember that just because someone is not good enough for you doesn’t necessarily mean they are a bad person or that they deserve to be mistreated.