Lesson #4. From Rock Bottom

The Moment by Vladimir Volegov

Paradoxically, when you realize and cultivate your separateness, you will feel less lonely.

Solitude, loneliness, isolation, ostracism—these all look very similar from the outside but the subjective experience of each is vastly different. They are also not mutually exclusive. We are expelled from the womb and slowly grow to be physically independent. But growth and maturity do not stop there. We must learn to be mentally and emotionally independent and separate as well. Cut those umbilical cords lest they become puppet strings or a noose. The process of individuation is the process of becoming separate, unique, authentic, specific, self-actualized, an individual with his or her unique needs, preferences, desires, personality, character, values, morality. Separation is what enables wholeness, peace, stability, equanimity such that we are not the puppets of other people or of constantly changing circumstances. Separation enables us to love, respect, value ourselves unconditionally, to be steady in that love even in the face of disappointments, failures, rejection from others, uncertainty. Separation enables healthy regulation of emotions and mood. Separation is what enables us to consider and connect others, see who they are, consider their needs, their separateness in the first place instead of trying to control them or manipulate them to make ourselves feel better. Separateness is a precondition for genuine and real compassion where you can listen and hold space and honor their otherness without absorbing it and becoming dysregulated yourself, without imposing yourself or how you would feel or being dismissive or minimizing, without making it about you.

The pleasures of solitude become available when you meet yourself, discover yourself, are fully with yourself through every thought, feeling, emotion. Being alone without being lonely is an achievement and rite of passage everyone must go through. Discovering, nurturing, cultivating, attending to, caring for, accepting in warm embrace everything you are is a result of separateness. Eliminating the junk, the lies other people, the world, or perhaps even your own mind created as a result of not knowing better, misinterpreting or interpreting disproportionately leads to peace and quiet and steadiness and stillness within one’s self. To experience this peace with one’s self, to experience one’s subjectivity is true joy, freedom, happiness, success. This is to live in alignment with one’s authenticity, one’s values, needs, standards. Do this and you will never be lonely again. You will feel whole, full, content, complete. The emotions tugging at your leg trying to warn you and get your attention are your friends and precious messengers. You might yearn for connection and a kindred spirit from time to time to share this peace and calm and joy with but you will never want to abandon your peaceful island nor would a kindred spirit require you to do so.

Our interaction with reality is once removed since the mind creates representations of the world that are filtered and distorted to varying degrees based on the health and subjectivity of the individual. Different people looking at the same thing will see things differently, interpret things differently, emphasize and value different things. For some the personal cognitive distortions can be great such as a woman interpreting secretive behavior or behavior she experiences and labels as secretive as signs of infidelity due to past heart break. Her past experience and the painful feelings and fear associated with it might be warning her. It can alert her to be on her guard and confront the situation and test reality. She could be misinterpreting things or she could be completely right. We must be aware of our wounds and distortions and how we are interpreting things and see if we are considering all possibilities. Feelings and emotions can be alerting us to the truth if we are healthy and stable but if we are suffering from mental illness or are stuck in survival mode and unaware of our trauma then they can be distorting. In essence, we and our feelings are not always right but nor are they always wrong. And learning to separate and recognize when it’s a legitimate signal warning us about something or telling us important information about ourselves such as about our likes and dislikes and our boundaries and when it’s catastrophizing and overgeneralizing due to anxiety or feelings of powerlessness due to past disappointment or depression is essential in healthy functioning. The world is not always right and the world is not always wrong either. Don’t jump to conclusions. Don’t assume. Become aware of your internal state and the external trigger. Gather data and look before you pounce on someone or yourself. Sit with yourself, with your demons and angels, befriend them. Separateness and wholeness means you are no longer a house divided against itself.