Night At The Movies

New York Movie by Edward Hopper

The quiet in the hallway after the movie started was Ellie’s favorite time. It was her time to be alone, to think. She didn’t mind her job. She really didn’t. It was a nice theater. It just wasn’t what she thought she would be doing in New York City. Her blue and red usherette uniform was quite comfortable though a pain when nature called.

There weren’t many people today since it was a Thursday evening. Just some lonely souls with no where else to go, not much else to do. Sometimes it feels better to be alone in a public place with strangers than alone at home. Mr. O’Neill the widower was here today. A sweet and kind man though not the same since his wife died. He used to always come to this theater with her. Ms. Henderson, an old spinster, was also here today in her lovely chestnut brown coat and hat. Ellie had spotted them smiling at one another just as a greeting for a while now. She wondered if they would ever take any steps closer beyond familiar strangers.

Movie theaters are odd places. Ellie would sometimes watch people’s faces as they watched the movie. Strangers sitting quietly together in the dark alone and together at the same time. She had lots of time to think in these moments between the start and end of the movie. For better or for worse. She liked the quiet and the muffled sounds of the movie playing close by. What is that comfort of having something playing in the background even if one is not paying any particular attention to it? Why does it feel good just to know it’s there? Ellie wondered if there was a name for it. She experienced a mix of boredom and gentle melancholy during these moments. She definitely liked the routine of everything. All the movies started exactly when they should and ended exactly when they should. Sometimes the movies were very interesting and Ellie would be among the first to see them. Other times there were just repeats or movies that were merely a pleasant distraction which is not nothing. We all need to be distracted from something. But in these moments of solitude and waiting, there were no distractions. So she would let whatever thoughts and feelings that were swimming around within her swim up to the surface of her consciousness and say hello. The most painful one right now was this dull ache and desire for something more. A big ugly fish of a thought asking ‘Is this it?’ Is this really all our life will ever be, Ellie? What happened to all those big dreams, desires, that zest and gusto and excitement? They got the wind knocked out of them by life. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. Another part of her asked so what was it supposed to be? And the dull aching part of her that was so convinced it wasn’t supposed to be like this had no answer about what it was supposed to be like.

Mr. O’Neill was glad he came to the theater tonight. The movie itself was all right and entertaining enough. He always missed Grace more when he came to the movies. This was one of their favorite things to do together. But he wasn’t sure if this was helping or hurting him. He would always return home pensive and melancholic remembering how he and Grace used to talk and laugh about the movie together on the way home. She would hold his arm and rest her head on his shoulder yawning. And he would rest his head on hers briefly. The first time he had taken her out was to the movies. He tried to remember what movie it was but couldn’t. It seemed like he was slowly losing all his memories, all the precious things in his life. Perhaps it was the grief building walls between him and the past. The weight of this loss had been crushing in the beginning. Love is a rare thing indeed. Was it the love he still had for Grace that he couldn’t give to her that was so heavy? Or perhaps it was her absence and the absence of her love. He didn’t know the absence of something could be so heavy. He looked away from the movie and his eyes briefly landed on the sweet face of Ms. Henderson looking up at the movie smiling. She seemed kind. He had seen her at the park as well. It wasn’t that he desired her. She was merely a familiar face and presence he could rely on to be here at the movies. His family had tried to help him move on, but he could never love anyone with the heart and depth with which he loved Grace. And so what would be the point? Nor would that be fair to any other woman who shared his company. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He and Grace were supposed to grow old together. They were planning a trip to Paris and the rest of Europe together. They were supposed to be on that trip right now. He wasn’t supposed to be in a movie theater on a Thursday night trying to relive moments with his dead wife. And she wasn’t supposed to die before him.

Ms. Henderson smiled seeing Jimmy Stewart on the screen. He was always such a handsome man. She could get lost for hours contemplating those deep blue eyes. He had the face and air of a good, kind, strong, protective man. She never could find one of those, be loved by one of those. And that was not for lack of trying. But it never works. You can give someone everything, be everything they want and they still won’t love you. At first she used to think it was her when her love and respect for herself was as delicate and fragile as a glass slipper. It wasn’t that she wanted a fairy tale. But there must be something between fairy tale and the disappointing reality of people, right? She thought of Mr. O’Neill sitting a few seats behind her. She had seen him and his wife together. They were lovely together. And then she died. When she thought of that, it made her cuddle closer to her loneliness. It is better to never have something than to have it and lose it especially love. Because when you have loved something or someone it doesn’t leave you, the memories don’t leave you. The loss becomes a part of you. And you retreat into your memories because that’s the only place where you can find the one you love. The world is lesser, desolate because the beloved is gone. And you are just the past playing itself over and over again. And the world is here with you right now asking things of you, presenting possibilities, other beautiful things, new open paths to you but you can’t take any of them because no this is not how it was supposed to be.