Lesson #9 From Rock Bottom

You are not required to suffer because of anybody.

This will sound harsh but is unfortunately true. The only thing some people have to offer is suffering. The only thing they ever learned is suffering. The only things that grow within them, within their heart is suffering, resentment, rancor, hatred, treachery, envy, baseness, entitlement, insecurity, fear, weakness, evil. Some of them will be deliberate predators trying to trap, manipulate, exploit, abuse, denigrate to feel better about themselves. Others are merely trapped in their childhood conditioning and trauma and limiting beliefs and lies they were told that makes them behave in ways harmful to them and to anyone they enter into relationships with. Either way the biggest and most freeing lesson you can learn is you are not required to suffer because of other people. Refuse to suffer because of other people and their mediocrity, inadequacy, their poor choices, their lack of responsibility and accountability, their incompatibility with you. And, to be fair, others are not required to suffer because of you either. If you mistreat people, if you abandon yourself and then get resentful and blame others, then that is on you. If you do things no one asked you to do and then feel angry and resentful and lash out and blame them for not meeting an expectation that they didn’t know was hidden in the ‘favor’ or the ‘gift’, then that is on you. Take responsibility for what is yours and do not take responsibility for what is not yours. Free yourself and save yourself. Love is not suffering. Love is not how much bullshit and abuse and disrespect can you tolerate from me. Fear is not respect. And the victim playing and love bombing that will inevitably result when you hold toxic people accountable for their shitty behavior is their problem not yours. You are not responsible for other people or their emotions. And if they feel guilty and ashamed, good. They should if they have done and said things to feel guilty about. And here is some more good news, they are not responsible for you or your emotions either. Now yes of course your emotions are signals and if someone lies, cheats, disrespects you, your emotions will signal that to you. But when you don’t personalize and generalize and separate and maintain that separation, you will see other people’s behavior as a reflection of them and their level of self-awareness, maturity, character, morality or lack thereof. Why should I suffer and feel anything because someone else is a liar, a cheater, an abuser, a mentally ill person whose mommy fucked him up and forgot to teach him basic manners, how to treat people properly, how to treat women properly? Why would I be hurt because someone is an entitled misogynistic parasite? Why would I be hurt because they could never be good parents? Why would I be hurt if someone is a miserable, insecure piece of shit who needs to tear others down to feel better about himself? Why would I be hurt if someone is too weak and pathetic to tell the truth or face the truth? Their bad behavior, their lack of respect, their rejection is about them and their feelings and issues. Stop suffering because of other people. It’s like getting mad at trash for smelling bad. It’s just what it does. Just throw it out and go about your life. They don’t like you because of their personal preferences, biases, value system, cognitive distortions. Guess what? They are just some random fucking person. They do not decide your worth. They decide your worth to them. But you decide your worth to you and that needs to be more important than anything and anyone else. Value yourself and give to yourself more than anyone. And you decide their worth to you. Someone who doesn’t like you, doesn’t respect you, can’t or won’t meet your needs, doesn’t commit to you, mistreats you, lacks the qualities and traits and values that you require should have no worth to you. Now just because they don’t like you or want to commit to you doesn’t necessarily make you or them a bad person. But you are bad for each other. You can like yourself even if other people don’t. You can love yourself and respect yourself even if other people don’t. You can believe in yourself, your dreams, your goals even if other people don’t. And yes, this takes practice. Especially if you were conditioned to have your feelings and behaviors and choices be dependent on others, if you weren’t allowed to be yourself or were punished and vilified and sabotaged and emotionally blackmailed for doing so. Other people’s feelings about your choices, your needs, your standards are their problem. Not yours. And your feelings and issues with other people’s choices and behaviors are also partly your responsibility. You can try and see if a mutually beneficial arrangement can be reached or you set a boundary and reposition or remove the person. You are a free and independent soul, being, person. And you will have value to some people and you won’t to others. Some people will have value to you and others won’t. That is normal. Honor yourself and your needs and feelings and preferences even if they don’t make sense to others or even to you. Engage with the people you like and trust and respect and refuse and reject the ones you don’t like, trust, or respect including the false friends, the snakes and parasites who try to slither close under the guise of friend while putting you down, leeching off you or the so called parent that puts you down, tries to sabotage you, criticized and abused you your whole life and then plays victim. Do not let other people hold you back or drag you down. There is nothing virtuous or good about that. There is no medal you get for suffering for others at the end of this life. And think about how fucked up you have to be to think love is how well someone suffers for me. When you love someone, you make them strong, you empower them, you help and support and encourage and nourish and nurture them, you lift them up, you are honest with kindness and compassion, you recognize what’s yours and what’s theirs and respect it. Work on yourself for yourself. You have the right to do what is best for you and others have the right to do what is best for them. Yes, it hurts and is disappointing when you’re down on your luck and people you thought were friends and family abandoned you or didn’t support you. Well, they showed you the status of the relationship or perhaps their limitations. Readjust their position and status in your eyes, your mind, your heart, your life accordingly. There will be times when you won’t be able to or won’t want to be there for someone. That isn’t necessarily out of malice. But that is the whole point: the only person who knows you best, the only person who knows how you feel, what you need is you, the only person you will be with your entire life is you. Having good people in your life you can trust and count on is a privilege but you will always be disappointed and dissatisfied if you’re not showing up for yourself first. You will always be starving if you’re constantly begging and waiting. The people who up until now haven’t met your needs and standards aren’t going to no matter how much you contort yourself. They aren’t capable of it or they’re not willing. Accept it and bypass them. Meet your own needs first. The only person who understands you completely, who knows what you need is you. Putting yourself first, giving to yourself first is your right and responsibility. You have the right to give to yourself all you want. What you don’t have the right to do is violate other people’s rights and boundaries and pillage them and take without giving, take through deceit and treachery and manipulation. What you don’t have the right to do is hold other people back, drag other people down, expect or demand that they abandon themselves for you when you don’t even show up for yourself. What you don’t have the right to do is trap people with you through fear or guilt. That is true selfishness. That is entitlement. You are entitled to setting whatever standard, boundary you want, to all your needs and to going after what you want fully and completely and living life how you want. And so are other people. If someone decides they don’t want to give to you, be your friend, show up as a parent, hire you or love you and be in a good healthy relationship with you, that is a choice they are allowed to make for themselves. Remember your power. You don’t want to be friends with people who don’t reciprocate and appreciate your friendship. You don’t want to work with an organization that didn’t see your value and didn’t compensate you accordingly. You don’t want or need a person who abused and failed you as your parent. You can be your own friend. You can find a different organization to work for or work for yourself. You can be your own parent and give yourself the love, kindness, safety, stability you needed. You can find better friends. You can find a man or woman who is actually on your level and more compatible and committed. You have choices too. You have power too. You can decide to not commit to someone. You have a say in your life. Never let stupid people decide things for you. Don’t let their limitations become your problem. There was probably a time in your life when you were a victim, when you couldn’t leave, when you didn’t have a choice, when fear had paralyzed you and became a leash that made you cling to the devils you knew and that made you doubt if angels even existed, when no one listened to you, when you were made to feel and were in fact powerless. But times change. People can change. You can change. You are not a child anymore. You can leave. You can learn. You can free yourself. And the devils you knew don’t get to dictate your life anymore or decide what happens to you. You have a voice that matters. You have bravery within you. Throw away the shitty cards you were dealt and get better ones. Everything is temporary and arbitrary. I promise you and that bravery will have to be stronger than your fear. You can do it scared. You can be brave and scared at the same time. Decouple other people’s behavior, choices, inadequacies, preferences from your worthiness, your lovability, your competence. Unlearning that other people’s behavior and choices and even just bad luck and circumstances are not judgments and attacks and referendums upon you is so important and necessary and healing and freeing. Yes, this world will try to tell you who you are. It will try to tell you you are worthless. Other people will try to tell you you are worthless when really it’s more that you don’t have worth to them. Yes, some ways of being, looking, thinking are more rewarded than others. But authenticity is more rewarding than status or popularity. Yes, there is evil that deliberately goes into someone’s life to hurt them. And if that has happened to you, I am sorry. But their evil, their lack of morality, their deceit, their worthlessness was not about you. It was about them. They decided to be a piece of shit in this life. They made that choice. You need to make the choice for yourself then that you don’t tolerate, settle for, or forgive that. And viciously cut out the belief that you need to settle for or tolerate or make excuses for that. You need to make the choice to show up for yourself and your values. You need to make the choice to stand up for yourself even if you stand alone. You decide your needs, your standards, your boundaries, what you will and won’t forgive, what you like and don’t like. You have the right to do what is best for you. You have the right to choose to not suffer. You have the right to hold people accountable even if they don’t ever take accountability. You have the right to embrace your inner child and deal with and face all the horrible bullshit he or she couldn’t face. Do what you need to to secure happiness and safety and peace for yourself. People who love you, who are capable of love in the first place would not have put you in the situation to have to choose between you, your peace and safety, and them. Please choose happiness alone instead of misery with someone else. And no, those who gave nothing but misery, poisoned crumbs and suffering do not get to share and partake of your peace, your success, your feast. This life is too short to suffer because of anyone. Fuck martyrdom and victimhood. Kill the lie that suffering and being a martyr is ‘noble’. It’s not. Refuse to suffer because of others and do not ask anyone to suffer for you. Strength is noble. Courage is noble, Peace is noble, Bravery is noble, Intelligence is noble. Excellence is noble. Authenticity is noble. Striving and believing in yourself, a better life is noble. Concentrating on yourself and letting other people be who they are in or out of your life is noble. Living in accordance with your values is noble. Leaving behind those who are not capable of or willing to grow is noble. Looking inward and rebuilding that inner fortress, your boundaries, cleaning up your insides is noble. Trusting yourself and valuing yourself and being intolerant of anyone who devalues you is noble. Rejecting someone who is not good enough objectively and/or subjectively respectfully or disrespectfully based on the behavior they have earned is noble. Being the authority on yourself, your needs, your feelings, your standards, your morals, your worldview and recognizing that others might have a different way of living and being and letting them do that and be that and live with the consequences of their personal choices (even if they don’t think they have a choice) and expecting the same in return is noble. Refusing to suffer in misery, ugliness, desperation, squalor and demanding the best for and of yourself and of anyone who wishes admission into your life is noble.